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December 28, 2021
Hope my mom's okay.

After work always seems bleak

Wish I started my online training while the dog was here. It really hit me to be around the house in the days after. And it still hits me hard sometimes. And it feels silly to feel so empty from losing a dog. It just seems very permanent. Like that was it. And he was a purpose I had in an otherwise empty life. It feels wrong not having him to go to. It's hard to describe but I suppose it's a familiar feeling. He was everything in the area around my childhood home. Now night falls quicker, and the time I associated with taking him for a walk around the block is now just dark. And I hope there's a way to make everything up to him, but I don't know how that would work. Hard to describe this void I experience when I'm near the house. Like everything good is gone.

Saw an old friend on the 21st. Chronicled it in my calendar. She talked about losing her own pet. I don't know how we connect, but it seems real. But I they not to speak my mind on a lot of things because we're so different. Being with her reminded me what I liked about women, and a reason why I felt so alienated around the last chick. I never knew what to do, but driving around with my friend reminded me how it felt to be near someone you're supposed to be around.

Anyway, I think it's always been hard for me to get things done but now I keep pushing it and I guess realizing why I avoid responsibility because it feels painful. And I wish I started the training when thr dog was around because I wouldn't associate it with the emptiness of being without him