December 18, 2021
Stopping by mom's house to pick up free food. Feel like an asshole because I resent everything about the place. Left without saying goodbye. Just feel like an asshole. Feel like I have to show up and help with something, but I hate being there, and the entire neighborhood just reminds me of the dog. My mom seemed so upset then she just went back to normal. Got a cat the same day. I have these moments in the house over and over again where I feel like I'll cry. No one to share these feelings with. She lived with the dog but she might have killed him with all the garbage she fed him. Dad pressuring me to get vaccinated, telling him I don't want to have blood clots or heart problems was like talking to Rachel Maddow through the TV. Like I didn't factor in at all he just wants me to get it it's so safe and you need to be protected, no matter who you are you need this and I said they just recommended against taking the J&J why am I going to get any other ones, and he just said why that's a reason to get the other ones, not that it even matters that we've been told they're all so great and safe until they're not then it's like… "next".
So I just feel the absence of the dog in the house. In the neighborhood around the house. I just can't stand it. And all that's left in the house is garbage. And cat feces. And now these enormous flies that fall to the floor like they're dead if you swat anywhere near them. I felt so on edge I kept thinking I saw insects everywhere. Sometimes they actually were there. It's all so filthy. And I feel guilty for not being supportive in this filthy place, like I've done something wrong by finding it so intolerable that I just leave. I had a reason to be there. To care for a neglected animal. Now I just want to go back to my bedroom.
Can't stand him not being here anymore.