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November 02, 2021
Was hurrying to finish mat work this morning so i could make it in time, then realized it's dark out when I went outside, then realized I was actually super early. Went running at the track. Didn't bring phone since car is nearby , kind of interesting how my mind fills in the empty spaces I'm often so afraid of when I'm not listening or scrolling through anything.

Just used my ten minute break to make a psychiatric appointment with a place that requires you to tell them your pronouns. Just glad they didn't ask on phone. That line of inquiry makes me intensely uncomfortable.

I wanted to play COD Mobile after the call since I felt cheated out of my break by this phone call I haven't wanted to make, but by the end I appreciated the process and the feeling of completing it made it feel like a real break. This is very important for me to constantly reinforce because I so often just do immediately rewarding things because I feel like responsibility is gray and drags me down to the pits of hell and I need to fill every moment with noise and color. But all the color exploded as I completed it.

Recently noticed how tired and weak I felt for two days, contrasted by one day of taking protein twice. I mainly just took it before working out, and stopped really noticing any improvement, but now I'm taking it 2x like vitamins and even though I don't feel very strong, I feel more capable of physically moving and waking up.