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October 16, 2021
Last night I played Apex Legends even though it kind of stopped being fun, way past the time I should have slept. I had cone back from mom's house feeling guilty because I didn't do one of her deliveries she assigned to me. Even though I took a bunch of paper up to the dumpsters, found and removed rotten produce from the fridge shelf I cleaned. I just always feel guilty over not doing enough, which seems to be by design. It doesn't matter that I haven't built a life and a family and have no stability and struggle to complete basic tasks. She needs me to perform these very important tasks, and each time I don't, I lose my status as an okay person. So I mess around longer than I should. I think I'm just trying to reclaim my time and identity by doing things that border on hedonism, and would be hedonistic if any broads actually wanted to be subject to them.

One of the Apple TV's screensavers was so stunning and mysterious to me when I saw it upon coming back to room. It reminded me of like, how part of beauty to me was silence from the world's noise. People always said Marilyn Manson was political but for me it was just art and I didn't like looking for the meaning. I just wanted what it meant for me, which was shelter from the bureaucratic waking world, fluorescent lights, moving boxes around, feeling violated by parents. Going to the goth clubs was like that, too. Whatever bullshit people talked about online had nothing to do with being in a dark room in a cold city, neon lights. It felt like freedom. Then to go to a club, if you spoke, and they all speak up now, about every bullshit twitter/letter agency fueled campaign, you had to believe what they believe. Then they proudly made fun of people who don't have the latest vaccinations on their homepage, and they blocked artists from performing because they didn't have the latest vaccinations, and then they required all of us to participate so those dark rooms stopped being a place to hide for me. They just became another part of the bureaucratic Trump Deranged Administration, and it's not enough to be quiet now, because you have to speak up, and it better mirror what they say or you are out, and now your blood has to mirror their blood and you have to support the same pharmaceutical companies they do, and if you don't keep up with the latest updates, you're out. And you're fired too.

So that footage of Yosemite made me think about all that because that cold snowy place, once free from the posturing, the bureaucracy, the Leninist snitching and speech patrols, the forced inoculations, it's harder to get there unless you participate in all of that. They didn't just take art away, they're making art a monopoly of the bureaucracy, so that only the most compliant people get to travel to those places and get those shots, or do the TV show, or be in the band.

I hope I find the new world that emerges from the dead world they are cultivating and draping over my hiding places.