Swamp Avoidance Disorder
August 20, 2021
My thoughts have been totally plagued by work-related thought for every one of my days off. This kind of stress illuminates the ways I cope and the stressors I am responding to. Much of the time, I just want to game and I don't know why, but now I really want to get home and Apex and not fall asleep because I feel like my life is being taken from me, and gaming is a way to reclaim my time and my sovereignty, and the habit follows me even when stress isn't so pervasive, so that I compulsively do it even when there isn't something immediately obviously wrong.
The discomfort associated with work and my desire stop thinking about it suggests that my persistent avoidance of confrontation is because I fear feeling like the buildup to the confrontation, experiencing the fallout afterwards, and all these obsessive repetitive thoughts I am experiencing now, struggling to have a day off without feeling horror. I think this encompasses more than just "confrontations" but also looking for work, or building anything, cleaning a room. Or even just breaking habit patterns.
It seems like tits and stuff are the only things I can look at and not feel this persistent animus. I just want to be a pervert to feel something else and that is pretty isolating when it's just ugly degenerate over-indulgence to other people. Better than over-indulging in a murky swamp of sweat and dust and hostile forces bearing down on me.
I feel like I've been thrown into chaos and have no control and just want my boring life instead of constant anxiety and pain, which is always there, but manages to be forgettable sometimes when it doesn't feel like the weight of a workplace I hate is crushing me.