Arcadia Half Moon Bay
August 18, 2021
Visited my father after that colossal waste of fucking time and fuel. Hearing about my own job from him makes the demoralization seem normal, like I don't have or expect to have vacations; it's just how it is, I'm used to it, not necessarily doing well with it.
From earlier today, from a happier time, I was watching pewdiepie's playthrough of Life is Strange: Before the Storm. During the box car ride on my playthrough, I let the music loop and tried to feel like I was there, as these girls fall in love during a magic time. Female-centered fiction from before the End Times was maybe overly introspective and self-indulgent, but it seemed more like it was humanizing them, making you want to like them, whereas now it caricatures women, makes them as gross as possible, and then all the devs and showrunners tell you how terrible you are for not liking this scraggly ghoulish parody of a person, and that you're not the audience, that you don't belong, that any affinity you think you have for these characters is actually an invasion.
I looked up the music from that scene. Lanterns on the Lake: Beings. I will not look up their politics.
The album inspired me to drive through Half Moon Bay again, but the traffic was terrible because we are in Hell, so I turned around.
The air quality is degrading again. I planned to run but I think it's getting too bad. An unpredicted byproduct of the oppressive yellow haze is being reminded of her, again, as usual. I forgot we were talking to each other the last time it was like this, and the smoke unlocked this association as it once again rolled in, making me feel like maybe she's just about to emerge from the haze, wandering back and falling back into my life and car and arms, but I think I'm alone, with hallucinations brought about by smoke inhalation.