leave me alone i just want to go to the bathroom im not using your precious fucking table
August 16, 2021
I'm back to being depressed about not being able to stick around after work to prepare my uniforms for the following week because after I said sorry for doing that I don't I live in a shithole with no table but ok and I won't use the bathroom anymore ok. So I'm mostly over that. But after work today I went to use the bathroom because my stomach has bern upset for the past hour but he's still sticking around which makes it hard to relax enough after just being upright and mobile and carrying heavy things, transitioning from doing very public muscle-tensing work to my most private intimate moment in the bathroom. But he's still around and I'm paranoid that he's waiting on me for some fucking reason even though he's left before I did before. But I guess that's ALL CHANGED NOW because now he's waiting for me to use the bathroom, waiting for me to wash my face, waiting for me to fill my water bottle. It's like a shitty 180 from relaxed to this whole monitored and timed surveillance state. Even though he allows clients on the premises who scream and swear and chase after visitors half-naked. For some reason the rules just keep clamping down on me and it makes me so fucking uncomfortable and it also makes me sad because I keep thinking back now to when I was relaxed enough to stay and walk along the water and after losing a lot of friends being too embarrassed to continue to go out dancing, then being banned from all SF venues because of their vaccine passport utopian dream, and in the absence of all these other things that made life kind of seem fun, I had these moments of solitude that made it feel better, moments I can't have now. It just keeps demoralizing me more than before because I keep getting more and more monitored. I'm guessing my monitoring became more strict because I went back in to get my water bottle last time so fucking maddening for something that was previously not an issue. Like my most innocuous behaviors, like forgetting something in the office and retrieving it before I leave, are now a source of stress and anxiety. He probably wonders why I'm so weird around him, this is why, because I always expect to be scrutinized and studied and now I'm getting even more than I expect. It won't fucking surprise me if he looks for where I park after work and makes a note in like some gay journal or something.