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August 04, 2021

GAMED all day today, more than usual, cleaning sheets gave me a reason to stay inside. By the end, I had a good rhythm, didn't have the insane "panic attacks" that were there earlier in the day and I just didn't want to stop because usually there is no rhythm, with anything, and stopping feels like I'm surrendering this wonderful thing to the rest of my life, and the rest of my life doesn't really feel that good. It feels scary. I don't know.

Playing that long made it really acute how much of it is just an attempt to escape the rest of my life, and when I escape, turning it off is like voluntarily going back into my cage.

Should probably try to get good at something else too. I started consistently playing Apex about a year after its release because my heart would race and my hands would shake like crazy, and it was just this exercise in trying to improve at something. But I don't want it to be like this tiny keyhole out of my life when there are other things I can improve at and make my life's landscape less intolerable. Especially since I hate the direction all of pop culture has gone in. They put all these activism badges in my inventory and they're just reminders of having shitty arguments about Trump with celebs online I once liked, or David Dorn laying on the floor of a pawnshop with blood spilling out of his body, or the overly emotional obese genderfluid parent giving birth in a kiddie pool to a child who is doomed from the start, basically born to die. I have really bad associations with all the activist causes being shoved into the art I like, causes everyone is expected to take up to prove we're not horrible people. But I can't forget the things I've seen. That kiddie pool was a nightmare.

I spent a lot of time just admiring the new aspects of the map. It's like a museum to me.

I just really like art

Art that isn't built on the fear of social ostracization.