July 25, 2021
22:57
Unusually depressed today. Coping mechanisms don't feel like coping mechanisms. Life just felt like a long flat landscape, no hills, no 7-Elevens to walk into.
Played Apex Legends the entire day, unusually long. Dismayed by how poorly I did. Just panicking and missing.
Didn't really feel like a coping mechanism, was just something besides looking around myself, feeling my skin crawl in this place. I don't know if it's the dust that makes my skin feel uncomfortable, and like I can't breathe. I don't know why a lot of things are.
I know I started really compulsively gaming when I lived in my car and would find an opportunity to do it. I knew I was returning to the car and I just wanted to claim whatever time I could to do what I wanted to do. It never occurred to me it could be an OCD symptom, but that totally makes sense. Why wouldn't it be. So many other things are. I feel guilty about it because games are the default Worthless Person behavior. But I like them. I don't want to stop. but I would like to be able to, like, be okay with managing my time, knowing when it's good to do and when it's better to do other things. But it's like I'm always scrambling out of the grip of someone else. Just trying to have my time to myself because I suppose my time always feels hijacked or in peril. So it becomes this compulsion. When they're not asking of me, I do the most indulgent things I can, because it feels like it's slipping away and I'll be under their control again. And that sort of thing is criticized as over-indulgence but I feel like I'm uncomfortable the rest of the time. Like I'm always looking for a break from these invisible forces.
Didn't talk to parents either which is unusual. Dad was saying how I'd have to give two of my days off to him and maybe it broke me in a sense, caused a crack, and just made me desperate to reclaim that time.
I always like building things, drawing, cleaning, editing. But those take time and they feel like responsibilities, like they're threatening my sovereignty too. So I do them less even though I enjoy them when I do.
23:09 and still haven't left the house. Not sure if I will.
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