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July 23, 2021

Hate how this sense of dread about my schedule follows me. Maybe it's a symptom of OCD, like I feel like I have to be anxious about working with someone, like it's an obligation. Hope I just get tired of dreading it and chill out.
It's not just this particular thing that makes me anxious, but change in general always feels like an end. Like everything familiar and comfortable dies with the change.

Normally I only watch DrDisRespect on my free days but just put on his livestream and it makes me feel stronger. It's weird how things feel better than they seem when you despair. Like I'll predict that running at the same trail i always run at can't help my mood that much but it's like I'm a different person after. Same with his intro, it gets me so amped. Makes me feel capable and I don't know how it does that.

With people talking about the Great Reset, I think it seems kind of fake and like it's hysteria, but I think the scary thing is that it's been happening, and it makes sense because of how we treat animals. Like we domesticate them so we can manage them easier, and I'm not sure that is even ethically wrong, but I don't think it's crazy to imagine anonymous people with resources and influence would want to domesticate those in the out-group. My current existence would be the nightmare of an ancient iteration of myself. Struggling to take care of basic things, to get outside, to make a living, to feel comfortable with myself, to even spend so much time thinking about myself, with mental problems that were previously undiagnosed, unaccepted, but are now glorified. It's sick how much we are fucked with. I didn't even think about having kids because it didn't satisfy some immediate need and the popular media tells us our fulfillment will be in being great artists or powerful public figures, and that killing our own children is an act of empowerment, that the world is too deadly for family, that family is what you call friends. But even though the instinct has almost successfully been bred out of me, I think I should. And I don't know if it'll happen because when I had more opportunities for that, I didn't think it mattered.

My friend who used to be girlfriend said she was thinkin of trying to have a baby after years of not doing that, having abortions, the usual, but then she changed her mind and figured she didn't really want to and was just using it as a bargaining chip. I always associate having babies with losing friends, and I don't have enough to lose, but I tried encouraging her anyway. I didn't push hard because that just seems to enrage leftists, but I said if your body is telling you to do it, you should probably take it seriously. And she said our bodies lie to us all the time, and climate change you know. And I just tried to make the point that regardless of what happens, you shouldn't let that determine this sort of thing. I don't pay attention to climate change, but I know people disagree on it, and it just seems tragic to make a decision about building your life on information about the world that accompanies certain agendas, since that may mean that info lacks at least some integrity. I'd be more worried about cultural influences creating a dysfunctional person with a police state that restricts the parents from intervening. And India should be worried about climate change, we don't have overpopulation here. Let them fix their shit instead of sacrificing our own kids for people we've never met and have nothing in common with.

Really feel fucked with by the forces that present themselves as "progress". I think that's one of the reasons older generations are presented as out of touch and clueless. The youth have to resent and contradict the old ways as part of domestication. People say they won't be in the pod and eat the bugs but I think it's not worth grandstanding, unless you have a history to back that up, and instead accept that we've been fucked with and manipulated into mental illness and unhappiness and measuring our contributions by metrics that aren't very helpful, and instead just work on crawling out of it. Ironically I sound like the slogans that attempt to lull women into a false sense of security, like "hey sometimes just showering is an accomplishment, and that's okay." But unfortunately it's kind of true for me. I just hate the glorification of this, and that it masquerades as "acceptance".

Anyway. I wanna go home and party in my room. Going to try to just totally party by myself.