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July 18, 2021

Just been in bed all day playing Call of Duty: Mobile. Would actually be more productive to sit up in my chair and play something real. Headache all day. Looked at job listing my mom sent me. Requires covid vaccine but they'll "consider" if you have a legal religious or health exemption. I'm guessing that's code for half the population to get fucked and get used to welfare and live on someone else's couch until their house is bought up by Blackrock, at which point maybe you'll get to live in a cube. At which point you won't have the choice anymore. Which is kind of a relief, I suppose. The government forcing drugs on all of us would just be like ok so the dream is over let's make the best of our cubes and our new blood makeup.
That requirement is a new roadblock for me in addition to the mental ones I have built in. As long as I'm able to access food and a place to sleep, even if it's the back of a car, it's too hard to try to make more money even though I really need more. Hence mobile games in bed, vaguely nervous about my bills, headache, can't breathe.

I'm not comfortable with the seemingly endless amounts of shots everyone is being pressured into getting, especially those with health conditions, and I don't have some great argument about it. I've just seen the government and press lie about things I know about in really amoral ways, so my belief in most things is shattered. Yeah I wont be featured on the news making some grand argument about our rights and why it's a bad idea. I'm just very uncomfortable about it, especially because of people who experience problems possibly caused by it, and then allege censorship by FB. And the Facebook whistleblower who confirmed they suppress that info. It seems like all resources spent on the videos on YT promoting it would be better diverted toward these health experts to go on the live streams of the skeptics and challenge their arguments, rather than featuring two smiling women agreeing on everything with the comments turned off and demonetizing the skeptics.

The gvt, news agencies, and corporations, which all seem to be the same thing now, don't seem concerned with earning back people's trust, just with humiliating, dehumanizing, and intimidating the ones who lost trust in those institutions.

I just want to take zinc and avoid breathing on people.

Maybe it's just a mania I have, but to me there's a clear throughline from bullshit like Gamergate and the current political stuff, where a few influential mental cases try to feminize different market segments and when those segments complain, they're ruthlessly targeted and fucked with. It's a tough argument to make because I don't know how my mind really connects replacing a strong masculine white man with a stronger more masculine fat black woman to getting vaccinated, but I just notice the same tactics being used by people who speak the same way, to pressure seven billion people into doing what they do. Maybe it's retarded of me but as someone who has been following this culture war stuff for years—I was tired of it by 2012—it's a tough idea to convey. Just sounds like nonsense like what connects the two??? And when you go higher up the chain and reference shadowy hunchbacked figures getting off on removing our agency and balls, it's even harder and more frustrating to express. On a micro level though I just don't like how you could kind of ignore the political pressure in games by buying alternatives, to having access to a game shut off as a moment of silence, to being pressured into repeating slogans to being pressured into being injected by people who speak the same language as the ones who pushed the previous agendas.
I mostly just want to be left alone, and now I'm making some sort of awful statement by walking around outside with my face uncovered. Why do I have to see patterns but be too stupid to know if they make sense.

I think a social worker would be good. Guessing more people who don't have the mental block will now have use for a social worker since we all seem to be turning into cripples by design.

I have spent the past week coming to terms with my mother leaving this evening but I'm glad she'll be staying a bit longer to get her second shot. Hope she survives it. It's not like we have great quality time. I open her door while I'm looking at the floor like a broken person, say hi, walk the dog, take the garbage out, and say goodnight. Sometimes I'll hold her hand. I guess I'm supposed to see her being nice as a part of a pattern of abuse but I just want things to be better in some way even if they're messed up.