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January 31, 2020

Was noticing I did better in Apex yesterday after almost a year of not playing it despite having a great appreciation for the art style and controls. Whenever I start to get good at something, I've shot myself down by immediately placing the onus of meaning and responsibility on it. I also get down on myself for still loving games, and fear over aging while I continue playing as stronger characters in worlds that live on. Maybe I should take comfort that all things die, eventually. When I would actually work on music, I'd shoot myself down by thinking of its place in making me into a superior person. I would never just enjoy it; when I started to enjoy it, I'd immediately think it's not the thing that makes me the person I'm supposed to be. And I'd slow down and stop, because I saw myself as having zero value, and whatever I did was supposed to save me from that or reinforced my worthlessness. As usual, jpeterson made me think of that, which is kind of embarrassing because people are so snide about him, like he's just a psychobabbling pseudo-intellectual, but I don't hear his perspectives from other people, and I need to hear more perspectives. My bff and jpeterson. So when he talked about everyone having inherent value, it was a seed planted in me that woke up the next time I improved at something, Apex, regardless of whether or not it's some life changing thing that makes me a multimillionaire. I'm just going to try to improve at whatever I do, regardless of whether it's important or not, regardless of whether it makes me into a more important person. I think I should work on witnessing that value without trying to use everything I do as fuel for my self-esteem. See the value in humanity, so that when I make someone laugh or get better at something, I don't try to extract all the value from it, because it's been there the whole time, everywhere.