September 19, 2019
11:13
Was high on this feeling that I'm still a part of the world, that I'm attractive to this person. Since my surgery and I gained all this weight and gained all this age, I've felt like my life is over. But the way she treated me at work made me feel like maybe there's still some viability left in me.
But she became cold, and I feel like a fucking idiot, and every time I wake up, I feel like I'm in Hell again. Not because I was rejected by one person but because I've been in Hell this whole time, and one person made me think I might have been wrong about this being Hell. But she changed, and the other birds squawked and I feel like back when I was removed from my social circle and lived in my car while needing surgery. Like all of those shitty events weren't just anomalous occasions, but the foundation for the rest of my life until I die.
At work, they have sexism built into the system. They want more upper level people to be one gender, and they hire someone who's been there two months, to make a ton of money. And the rest of us are just, we're nothing. So I'm nothing socially, and professionally, it doesnt matter that I'm late in life to working, that I wasn't taught to succeed, that I really really struggle; I don't matter. I've felt like a victim my whole life and that shouldn't be what gets you the job unless someone can see your potential and wants to give you a chance. But they've decided to use some arbitrary metric of victimhood to decide who gets the work now, and that isn't me. Everyone tries to fuck one of the brand new highly paid people. I thought she wanted to fuck me, but she thought I'm gross, too. Oh well. So she's been promoted rapidly, and now is being offered by another employee to get an extra three hundred a week to fuck him. So the whole system is against me. My small social circle turned into shit. I see them training the new person because they all want to help each other I guess. Systemic sexism is real, on purpose, and they don't care if we die.
I can see why people kill themselves because at a certain age, if you don't have the right people around you and you haven't made yourself impressive, it's like you don't just stop existing but you become disgusting. So I feel like I'm in Hell, and I'm scared and I know things can get worse, and that scares me too, and I don't know how to stop it. But I won't kill myself. I'd rather grow older and more alone than be another casualty of fat chick social games.
I remind myself every day about how much I value my bff even though I've only met her once. I guess I didn't count it when judging myself, but I count it now every time I feel like I'm alone. She's been here all along.
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