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June 13, 2018

Started a new job. By day 5, one of the managers was talking about firing me. I really do feel like a supreme fuckup, but I don't know why. I just believe what people say about me, and there's no self-esteem left to accept that they can be wrong.

It's at a local park just working with the rangers and stuff. I think I come off as a weirdo, but have been doing okay socially. And I figured it's just a matter of making some errors and correcting them and getting better. Originally, I wasn't scheduled to work the weekends, but they changed it, and I was targeted because my performance over the weekend wasn't "impressive" and they don't have time to train and/or "baby" me. A lot of what he said was needlessly insulting and presumptuous. It was stupid of him to assign me to work the weekends because I've handled Starbucks lines, not lines of cars on my third day that stretch a half mile down the road, without any assistance. I don't fucking get it. I think some of them are idiots and I just have to work around them because everyone else seems cool and I love the place. But I just keep insulting myself, and what he said reinforced that. At the same time, it was obvious he wanted to hold his position over me and that meant contradicting himself and speaking in circles. I hate talking to people who are overly concerned with power dynamics. I don't need this shit, but I need work. I haven't worked in a year, I was homeless during my last job, and I've had to borrow thousands of dollars from my parents while waiting for this job. Now that's being threatened by this fucking asshole. I hate communists, but I hate how people like me are handled under capitalism. I feel disposable, like my security and shelter are irrelevant. I've considered applying for disability again. I feel too stupid to work anywhere.