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April 17, 2017

Dear dairy
I have been writing more in a physical medium. I'd like to do that right now but my thoughts are bothering me. I take these days off so I can go to this club but I don't like the music lately and I feel repulsive to look at or be near and generally want to leave as soon as I walk in.
Makes me feel kind of lame to take these days off for this place but to feel mostly nothing once I go. It doesn't feel like a cathartic blissful experience anymore. Just feels like I'm trying to not think about the things that are really bothering me.
I have been targeted at work by my new supervisor and there's no one there I can go to about it. This man has treated me like his enemy since he met me, and I've told him as much and I've told him he isn't fulfilling his supervisory role.

So I just keep thinking about that. I can't have someone like that dictating the majority of my life. So he has to go.

He put me on probation for being late most days, then added all these small inconsequential things that looked worse in the wake of that. The thing about being late is that I've been under three separate supervisors in my time there despite it being less than a year. And among all of those supervisors being late was never an issue, with me or anyone else, so long as we clocked in within a set of minutes around the clock in time. And I know that my coworkers have done similar—one clocks out fifteen to thirty minutes late every day—but he knew that he could use it against me. And he might be smart enough to know that in order to confront him about it being a mere excuse for discrimination, I would have to rat out coworkers. So I won't do that. And it's obvious because he only oversees four people I believe. So I'm going to go to an outside agency to investigate this.

I would love to be optimistic about it. But it's not something I particularly look forward to. I used to get more pumped up for getting back at a fucker like this but I've experienced having the tables turned on me enough to see this more as a way to protect myself that may just result in me being targeted more. So I'm taking that risk because he's made it clear that he will use what he can against me and that simply trying to stay under his radar isn't enough.

Maybe I should try being optimistic about this. Maybe I should think that he will get what's coming to him.

I reported the company's poor maintenance of one area already. I intend to bring that up with whatever agency I report to, that I am a whistleblower and they could see me as the likely culprit despite it being an anonymous report.

Hope it all works out
I need motivation to find a new home and workplace
I don't know how to get it
I feel like a lizard in a burning tree

Better music now