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March 28, 2017

Crying over two girls in a row, both from 4-5 years ago. The pain lasts so long. The feeling that maybe something could have been done. I leave a comment on one of their pages because we're not on never speaking again terms but aren't friends either. And I think that here I am back to the way I was, wanting to make her like me, even though she's turned out not to even have the qualities I want. Yet I yearn for her to love me. I might play Dishonored 2, but I work tomorrow. And it's hard to visit a world I love that much when I know within a day I'll be back in a world I despise.

I want an apocalypse but a Fallout apocalypse where somehow I don't die and can still find experts to take care of whatever issues I have. So I don't think it's a real yearning for the world to end. Just to exist in this world without these oppressive invisible forces pressing down on me, real or imagined. Nothing in the Bay Area seems authentic anymore. And the Bay Area is my world. So nothing seems authentic.