March 21, 2017
20:17
Been dealing with a cold since the last time I was working, and tomorrow I begin working again. I keep thinking of taking the day off, and then I wonder what that could solve. Maybe it would solve something. But today I kept rubbing salve on my wounds in the form of video games and I kept kept kept feeling nothing.
I don't want to write the email, and deal with management, and how mean and hostile and everything that they are. I suppose they'd be right to question me. I could make it in tomorrow. I could, and I might, but I'm experiencing such fatigue from this job. I'm so tired of it. And being sick is just a reason not to show up, but it's not the reason. The reason is feeling like my head is full of the nonsense and noise that keeps being thrown into it by the environment there. Hostile people from the streets. Hostile management. I'm so fucking lonely, and I feel like I have no one to connect to.
I wonder if I show up tomorrow if it will be better. I think I may wait until I wake up. Which may be against company policy. But I don't think I'll be fired for it. Everywhere feels hostile, Work. Mother. House.
I have to buy my own internet because they will absolutely not change theirs, despite repeatedly running into the data caps in a house of five people. And last month I had to pay an additional almost 100 dollars just because water and electricity went up, but the only way it can go up that much is through ridiculous means. So either the companies, or the family, is fucking with the numbers. Or there's something else.
I do feel sick, my throat is sore. I can't consume enough opioids to feel nothing. I can't play enough games to be interested. Playing with my guitar is improving, but I just cry when I play.
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