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March 09, 2017

I wish I could get through a day or a lunch break without just feeling as if my life is utterly devoid of worth. Why do I feel so alone. Is this worse than it used to be. Did it become worse when I was pushed into the streets by my family. Does it hurt more when my mother expresses affection for me by talking to me like a child. Do I believe her. Do I believe she has abandoned me. Do I believe she was someone who could love me unconditionally but didn't love me enough. I don't know what I believe. I know what I feel. I feel worthless and lost and constantly need dopamine hits to escape the feeling of plummeting through space into being completely forgotten. I want to feel ok without needing something pumping through my blood. I want to feel ok. I want to feel alive and worthwhile. Why do I feel so bad. So badly about myself it hurts. Hating myself so much that my back tenses and I bristle like a cat.