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March 01, 2017

Dear dairy I just kicked a piece of bread off the pavement onto the grass before advising a smoker about the regulations on smoking in the area. The owner of one of the locations within this place gave me the dirtiest look and picked it up herself. I hate all the management here. And my broom got thrown away so I can't sweep. And besides that it's practicallly against the rules for me to clean up outside of a small section here. I was told explicitly not to do that. So I guess if she tells on me that's my story. But to be honest I never would have prioritized bread on the ground cuz something will eat it. I focus on trash that doesn't disappear over time. Plastics cigarettes so on

Anyway I think it's time to quit. This job paid well when I first signed up but the stress of the constant changing responsibilities has worn on me. Correction. It's not time to quit. It's time to apply elsewhere. But I kind of feel if I could just get over the anxiety over management I could get paid for doing practically nothing. But that anxiety is there constantly. So maybe it's like being in a relationship with an abusive person and thinking that's the only thing wrong, when it's really one thing wrong with the foundation of the relationship, not just some factor that will disappear. The management situation is ongoing and continues to stress me out because of the lack of consistency, more than because of any specific person. I don't know. I'm sitting in a place. High. And being paid to sit. I guess that's good. But I had to get high to bring my anxiety down, not to have fun. My head is a mess and my dreams are a mess. I think I'm not thinking clearly. And I think I've chosen to slowly kill myself through pills and fast food because I'm afraid of commitment. And it's not worth killing oneself over any job when there are others available.