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February 23, 2017

In target ten minutes before work. Thought of killing myself on the train ride here. On the drive to the station I thought about how I feel rejected by my family unit and I cried. So maybe that's why i cry other times.

New supervisor has me stressed out. But it's hard for me to know what hurts. I have to wrap this up. But I try to escape into game worlds, try to escape into pills, but I can't escape my thoughts. I've picked up the guitar again which is nice. It still feels too aimless and wandering. Wondering if I should get some formal lessons or something. Some purpose. If I work out every day I will feel better guaranteed. But that's so much work. Not the workout. Having all the clothes, the padlock, the toiletries, the planning. Been going out not eon days off which is good. Registered for a talk by an electronic music veteran. Possibly inspiring? I hope so. I want to be intellectually challenged I want to be creatively challenged without wanting to hang myself. I think I'm a narcissist, but I don't take selfies. I just hate myself. Goodbye.