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February 15, 2017

I have been in such miserable pain.

The world has seemed small and hostile.

I have wanted every day to feel free enough to explore as I used to. I explored most freely as a teenager. Then as I got older I went running or hiking. Then I had that conservation job, which somehow just made my mental prison seem to encompass the outdoors in addition to the indoors. And when I lived in my car, it was as if a curtain fell over the entire world. More recently, with the hostile and condescending management and the hostile and incoherent street people, along with the threat, real or perceived, of going back into my car, I have retreated more inwardly. In fact, it is an interaction with that management that led me out today. I didn't feel that I would be well enough to come into work today, the first day of my work week, and I emailed my manager saying that I shouldn't come it in unless I feel better or if they are understaffed, and that if they need me to be there I can be there. He responded saying he won't make that decision for me, I responded that I felt insulted that he would suggest that's what I was doing, and he responded to me to watch my tone, which I then did by apologizing and saying I thought how I felt in response to what he said would be helpful for him to know and that I don't thnk he would purposely make an employee feel as I had. Which is all bullshit. And I don't know how relevant that is to anything but I suppose its useful if someone reads this and wants an example of why I hate the management and I hate my job. I could write more, but I don't really feel good about reliving these events.

In past weeks. I have gone for one hike. I have gone to clubs despite not wanting to, and it has to be on a day off or I get anxious about not being rested. Work and home have become like, I don't know, it is like there is this inky black me digging its nails into the floor, begging to stay home because I fear work so much. And somehow that fear of work has become a fear of doing anything at all.

It's a beautiful clear, cool day at the sutro baths in San Francisco. The breeze is like a cleansing shower. As I drove here, I cried profusely, not understanding why, still not understanding why, listening to Gravity the Seducer. Once I stopped, I thought, ok ill get out of my car maybe. Ill sit in my car definitely, and maybe ill get out. Once I arrived it was like a force was pulling me away, into the outside, away from my car. Still chose to write though, which now that I think about it, I should have done outside, so this other side couldn't take over. But all I have to do now, is leave the car, and I will be pulled and drawn into the natural beauty of this place. Once you leave your prison, as much as you imagine it will just a bigger prison, your eyes will open to more colors, more walls will fall, and the world will embrace and love you. I have been visiting this place in watch_dogs 2, but visiting in real life seemed pointless. Already, I am glad I came. I'm going to go for a walk.