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February 06, 2017

I wish we could still be friends. I wish our relationship didn't go from talking every day to meeting to hooking up to enemies back to friends then down to nothing. I wish our relationship consisted of more than looking at your instagram and wishing I could still look at your tits. I think I've kind of reduced a lot of my relationships to that. I don't know why. I like people. I think I may just feel so repulsive that I have become fixated on validation, of which I don't seem to have any. I wonder if you lost interest because I became too ugly.

It's tough working in an affluent city that has deep chasms between the poor, working class, and upper class. Everyone looks younger and more fit. And more successful. The ones who don't fit those molds seem to be just shitting everywhere.

My feet hurt so much at the end of this work week, that when I stood out of bed, I nearly collapsed. I am still fixated on playing video games as much as I can because I feel like no time is my own. I used to value other things like going for walks. But I am still in the mindset of someone who lives in a car, who may not play again for months. So I just keep popping the games like pills. That isn't the relationship I want with them. That isn't the life I want for myself. I want to exist in more beautiful places that aren't just for display on a screen. I will never trash games because of the beauty they have brought into my life, sometimes even in the form of tangible relationships, and sometimes just in the form of falling in love with an entirely imagined environment. Or there was meeting Harvey Smith and playing Dishonored 2 as he watched and commented and feeling so honored to explore this imagined three-dimensional world that bloomed from this man's mind, as he watched me explore.
So, I love them. But my relationship with them is like a breakup I am afraid of. I am afraid of losing them because I feel like I won't be able to play them anymore, because I'll go back to living in a car. And then the relationship suffers because I am holding on so tightly, that I can't just be in the relationship, and am instead trying to fabricate a relationship before it all ends.

I also wondered why I feel so unsettled when I talk to my mother, and I guess it's her seemingly secretive relationship with my brother, and what felt like a conspiracy to remove me from my bedroom without a safety net. I suppose that event could have left me stronger, and maybe it did in some way, but the end result in whatever case, is that I now feel, even sleeping in a bed, I feel unsettled, unsafe, disturbed, with no time left.