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January 13, 2017

Going through photos from past years. Can't believe that it will be going on six years from when I knew this one person. Can't believe it will be going on seven eight nine years from these other people, from that other place. And already so much time had passed before those times. And now they're further away and my mind can barely process it. Time feels traumatizing, like a car crash.

Got called a fag yesterday by a guy who was respectful to security, not to me. I just feel like I'm becoming more and more pathetic and ugly. I keep telling myself there are attractive or good qualities, but I keep seeing parts of myself, and being treated as if I am ugly and weak, and I feel like I am those things, that I can only be those things.

I lost about a year, which I should acknowledge, to these bizarre stretches of activities that may have served a macro purpose, but on a micro level, meant nothing. The full-time coding class, the full-time conservation work that turned into an interpersonal nightmare, followed by living in my car. It occurs to me now that losing a year means doing full-time work that takes away more than it offers. So I wonder how I can ever stop losing years. I don't know how to pursue work that interests me. I don't know how to pursue my interests. I don't know how to practice something that starts off difficult and keep developing it without insulting myself and feeling insulted every step of the way. I especially don't know how to monetize it, which is what I think of the whole time. I think how I could do something better or more productive or how terrible I am at this and how I just want to retreat into easy things because the hatred I have on myself is a great weight I carry on my back, crippling myself until one day, I look more tired, I have gained more weight, I walk with a slight limp, sometimes, and I fear I am losing everything to time, and it is all being taken away when I am not looking.

I want to go back to the past because I only know how to look there. I don't know how to look forward. I want to go back to the cruel 2012 girl. I want to remain a child and always have my parents.

I need to allow myself recovery in this bed, while I still have it.