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December 27, 2016

letting anyone in my family know about my ocd condition has been so much worse than i could have ever really known. i didn't know why i was so apprehensive for so long until about 2006, about ten years into the condition, that i let my mother know about it, and then a few years back mentioning it to my brother. my mother walked into my room today, my brother referred to me faking my mental retardation.

it's become a weapon that can be used against me.
i was tired of my brother going into my bedroom when i was gone. i had to clean all my electronics with rubbing alcohol, risking destroying them. i stayed up until 11pm doing laundry. i stayed up until 2am on the momentum of being up already. two days later, again he had gone into my bedroom, lied about it, and i poured alcohol on the floor to begin the cleansing process i've gone through countless times over the past twenty years. he screamed no like i snapped a kitten's neck in front of him, and then we argued, then i wiped the alcohol up with water and dried it, and he dumped the christmas eve dinner all over my car. the following day he threw soda onto my car and wrote his name in the window.

today, while showing my room to someone, my mother stepped in and i had to stop her, after all the times i talked to her about how important it is for these parts to be separate. later she told me what i did wrong when speaking to the prospective tenant and i told her i didnt want to hear it right now because i feel hurt and rolled over right now and it might be a fair point i just dont want to hear it right now and she slammed the door on me. then asked if i was going to bring her package to the dropoff point, but i was already drunk on sleep deprivation because she made the appointment in the middle of the day, when i was sleeping off the previous night. and she stood and stared at me. and i culd feel the judgment.

ocd is just this factor now, that gets in the way of their progress. it isnt something that can be negotiated or worked with, it is just fake to my brother, and an inconvenience to my mother, and i feel so much guilt when i experience this chaos and have to put a normal face on for the world, the idea of faking retardation is so alien to me, and so insulting, and i wish i never let any of them know because my ocd has just been a prop that represents me being in the way of getting a tenant or gets in the way of paying the mortgage or whatever. it's something i should push aside, so that real issues can be addressed.

but i can't push it aside, and i feel cast aside by my family, i feel cast out because this disorder isn't something i can turn off but i'm always told, or it's suggested in some way, that i need to just stop having the issue, because there are real issues to deal with.

i just want to be around people who don't hate me for what i am. i'm not faking it. i don't stay up late doing laundry on a work night to fake it. i don't wash my electronics to fake it. and i don't pour abrasives on the floor to spite him. i do it all because i have to. because it's the only thing i know how to do.

i want to be left alone.