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December 24, 2016

I dreamt I sang Lissie's version of mother a capella for an audition. They told me I have a beautiful voice but they'd like to hear me sing something more suited for it so I was going to sing the Danzig version but it kept getting interrupted. I woke up at 5:20 AM and put on a song from a recent movie Moana by accident and then I put on Lissy's version of mother. And then I did push-ups. I haven't done anything like that in a long time. I guess I've been running into games so much and just being afraid of what's stuns the corner that something as basic as building strength, as tuning my body, has fallen by the wayside. How can you bother doing that. If you don't know if you'll have a floor later. Or you can be one of those crazy black homeless guys in the park. The last one I encountered threw a piece of chicken at security. But I'm not one of them. I need stability. So I'm moving into an Asian family's home next month and I'll have a big bed and floor and I'll be able to shower and be human. And I have to credit my brother witj finding the listing. But I also have to credit him with throwing my life into chaos and ruin. My father is helping financially though. Not my brother. He deserves more credit. I ignored his calls last night. I'll call him today.

There is a style of music. Like that Edward scissorhands cinematic music with an all female choir usually, almost Christmas music. It might be kind of gay of me to admit, but that music can bring me to tears because it always feels like I'm laying my head in someone's lap and being told that I'm forgiven. There's a song from the elder scrolls like that, - lot of works like that, this one is called y'ffree in every leaf and it played after I finished push-ups. I also stretched my upper back for the first time in what feels like years but had only been months. And then I felt forgiven