December 07, 2016
07:17
I don't like throwing the word trauma around because it sounds completely ridiculous. Nonetheless, this morning I've become aware that the past two days were traumatizing to me. I didn't realize at the time, but waking up, feeling uncomfortable because of where my brother had stepped and brushed near my sleeping area, I realized that I feel violated. I left the house for fifteen minutes yesterday and that gave him enough time to show up, install something in my room, and get out, leaving the driveway blocked obviously.
I'll wrap this up. I'd like to go to Starbucks, get water, visit the wasteland if I have time. I wanted to continue a little of Dishonored this morning, but I'll need a break from it because I played it yesterday, and I associate it with the terrible feelings associated with my brother. It will be less over time, but I fear that revisiting this section of the game in the future will have traces of that pain. Hopefully, by then, it will barely register in my mind. Same as Tomb Raider, which I played after being jumped, and later still thought of what I was thinking of back then. But it wasn't as bad later.
There was more he did. I told him I was uncomfortable with him standing where he was and it evolved into him coming in more, me yelling at him to leave, him asserting that this is his place. I wish my mother never let him spend any money here. His revisions have served only to give him dominion over this property. The next day he walked in casually, because he knew I was too beat to fight back, and just walked around while I pulled my yoga mat and sleeping bag back so he wouldn't touch them. A pathetic attempt not to feel the shock of trauma that comes with people in my close family touching me or my things.
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