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November 07, 2016

I don't know what has contributed to this feeling of heavy, unbearably heavy worthlessness. I thought I had chronic fatigue, but my energy level is improved today. Also went to bed earlier. I think that helps. Instead of fighting it. Sleeping earlier might also help me get out on the days I actually have off. Instead of looking froward to it, then doing nothing, then asking what's the point.

so today is better. And that's good. I'm still fighting that uphill fight. Popping pills. Speedballing with quad espressos. Trying to maintain a feeling of goodness through forced chemical interactions.

some of the pills are even legitimate.

I have never felt like I do something every day, that I improve on, that makes me better. It's always been so hard. I have been getting better at photos, I have improved at taking control of stressful situations. But most images I absorb are of peak goodness. The most made up girls. The people who fuck best. The best photographers. In the best places. I wanted to be Marilyn Manson. But I don't think I identify with youth at all anymore. I just want to be better. I just want to be myself. I want to see myself. I want to be myself.