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October 27, 2016

I ended up being too tired to go out. I keep planning to do something on my day off. Then I just don't. First I felt like I was panicking then I just didn't do it. It used to be that I couldn't get motivation to do more creative work, like writing music. Or to do things to better myself in general. Now it's like I can't even see the point in doing something easy like going to a place with music and alcohol. I think i might feel very alone.

I keep thinking about what my mom said yesterday, how it burned so fucking badly and I keep burning long after she said it, longer after I'm dead. I feel like I'm just that chick at the bottom of the well screaming while some tranny dances above me. I knocked on her door last night to tell her she shouldn't have said that, that I can get a "second chance", in the form of giving her money. To stay in the house for a month and a half. The offer hurts more than not being offered. I think. But she was sleeping. In her huge bed. Earlier that day she talked about how I could work two jobs. One during the day and one at night.

My brother according to her was infuriated at her about me possibly living there again. I guess it would undo all his hard work of succeeding in having me living in my car and pissing and shitting outside.

I just hate how I'm seen by these people who have known me longer than anyone. And the end result of knowing me longer than anyone is that I'm garbage.

I think it's hard for me to leave the house because I don't feel like I deserve to leave the house. Why am I speaking as if I have a house? It's gone. I'm gone. And I don't deserve to come back.

Maybe that's why the fear of being physically harmed by the white trash thug from a couple of days ago doesn't bother me now, but the white woman with a family speaking to me as if I'm stupid does. I keep thinking I should have walked away when she started to irritate me, but I didn't realize at the time she was actually hurting me. Or I should have pointed out that her family was breaking the rules of the park to show her the leeway I was giving her since apparently she only saw what she wasn't getting and how ridiculous the service is here at this public space because only one bathroom is open and there's no soap or toilet paper for her.
To be honest, I think anyone who has more than one kid is contributing to the death of our species. That includes that woman.
So maybe I can cling to that thought as the rest of my ship sinks. Because what made it easier to disregard the thug is that I see him beneath me. What makes it hard to forget being treated that way by that woman is because I see myself as beneath her, because I've bought into the twisted narrative that if someone manages a family and has money that they are better than me. Even though that contradicts what I believe about what makes a good person, and especially has very little to do with the people I admire, and can easily fit a great number of people I don't admire at all.

I feel sick now so I should urinate in a cup and then finish at the gym. The bathroom in the house is temporarily available, but I don't feel comfortable in there. I don't even know how I'd use it. Goodbye.