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August 14, 2016

the final days of interacting with her seemed entirely constructed on fabrications. Her battery died. But I don't think it did. She either wanted to hide from me or she wanted me to go after her so she could dump me in an explosion. I wanted to bring her flowers for her new room and she said I could get her food instead.
I see now that she thought I would contaminate her room.
I hate all this superstitious toxicity stuff. I think calling or treating someone toxic is an oversimplification and it should be reserved for those who are truly I want to say draining but maybe I'm a drain.
I wish she left me when I truly went off the deep end with angry outbursts. I told her at the time I wouldn't blame her. I would understand.
But she didn't leave then. She stayed. And she left when she got what she wanted and when I was most vulnerable. It would have been like me leaving because she had a diabetic episode. Which happened more than once and I walked her through it despite it being completely insane.
She left because she didn't want to contaminate her life. So she surrounds herself with belly and fire dancers and basically all these people who wear enlightenment like a uniform and use that uniform to behave as if they transcend humanity. When you believe that about yourself, you are truly spiritually gone. You're just looking for what feels good, because spiritual growth isn't about hurting people. It isn't about treating people like they're diseased. I need her now and she chose herself because it's convenient. When she could have justifiably turned away it was not convenient for her. Now it is. Now I'm diseased. Now she's enlightened.

I'm just having sleazy conversations with girls on the internet now. It's not really what I need. At all. I don't even know if I want it. But whatever. I'm not spiritually enlightened and spiritual enlightenment isn't meant to be shared. It's meant to be hoarded, isn't it? You rotten fucking fruit.