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August 13, 2016

Still struggling. Feeling conflicted. Feeling like I wasn't powerful enough to be aloof. That being the emotional wreck that I am will always push people away no matter how kind or compassionate they seem. I sent one of my entries as an email to her. But it went to an email she never checks. But even if she did read it I probably wouldn't know. Because she'd ignore it.

I realize now I have to try to get the funds without her for my work hours for a laptop. I wish she could help with that. Of course she was still willing to be friends. They always are. And when you don't want to be they use it as proof you only used them for sex. But I think telling her she broke my heart and I don't want to fucking talk to her got the message across.

I have been eating my usual fast food breakfasts but have been famished as far as my eating habits go. Been ewting candy bars instead of food. Was hungry last night but just ate a banana and fell asleep. I didn't even use my sleeping pad. Just laid a pillow out and got into my sleeping bag because it was too cold not to use one. It was unusual because my bedtime and wake up rituals have been so consistent. I guess this pain has disrupted that. She meant a lot to me as a friend but maintaining friendship at this point would be disingenuous of me.

Yesterday I. Wanted to go to the Razer store to look at laptops and fantasize about which one I would get. But she dumped me before the end of the day so now I have doubts I'll be able to get the reward without her help. So I'm holding off on the fantasies.

I waited for the day to end but there's nothing on the other side.
On Monday I'll try to make the reward thing work without her. I hope I can. Right now I need games. More than anything. Fantasy. Worlds so deep inside us they seem so remote.