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August 12, 2016

I have begun bringing my laptop out to Starbucks so I can play games. I've been feeling very empty and depressed lately. And when the girl and I get a room together, playing on my PS4 becomes this weighted job I have to complete before checkout time. And it's a nice time. We play together. Or she snuggles up to me while I play fallout. But there's a pressure. To have fun in a short amount of time. And there's an essential part of my life I'm pinning on her. Which creates a dynamic of desperation. So I'm getting back into Skyrim. I'm worried about killing my MacBook Pro by gaming on it though. So if I manage to get this $2,000 education award, I'm going to get a Razer laptop. Which would be just wonderful for the traveling gaming hobo. I don't think the $2000 can be used for rent or anything so I can use it guilt free on a toy. Not that $2000 would pay for much time here. Today I argued in my car with myself. Some fucking CEO was arguing against requiring tech companies to contribute to low income housing and shit. He talked about how they're getting people jobs. Yeah. People who don't have trouble getting jobs. People who are educated and in demand. And the people who need jobs, who have no amount of "fuck you money", are just supposed to scrape by for the purpose of serving the people with job security and financial stability. I don't get why they wouldn't want to help. Who is supposed to work in grocery stores, restaurants, sewage, parks, coffee shops. All that stuff that everyone uses. So they're supposed to go away? So that the only fucking people left are programmers and advertising execs? And then how will they eat?

Every morning I go to work I use the transit app and I'm in awe of how awesome it is to hold a dynamic updating subway schedule in my hand. But what's really important here is it's not based in the fucking Bay Area. There is no reason for these companies to displace so many people, to create so many traffic issues, to contribute to homelessness, all so that highly skilled technical people can work in this specific place. And the culture they bring here is shit. I love technology and I love all the developments but there is no reason for this glut of tech companies here. No fucking reason. It's like they all think they'll be Steve jobs if they're near where he lived guess what none of them are.

Anyway I feel unloved all the time. I haven't been messaging the girl lately. I wonder if ive turned her off entirely. And I say this two days after we snuggled up and then fucked around in a car wash. So clearly somethings right. It's just so hard to see. It's so easy to see everything go wrong. It's so easy to see her disappearing.