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August 07, 2016

Watching American Dad in my car trying to keep going. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to do anything. I don't want to live with anyone. Everyone makes me so uncomfortable. All the affordable places seem to be populated by people in oversized clown glasses who are obsessed with gender and race, and base their decisions off that. Not that those places are affordable anymore. Not with the lost hours.

I wish I didn't burn the bridge with the last person I lived with. She's the one I would have turned to in this situation. But I pulled away and my mom pulled me away, and now I've got nowhere to go. I could use more friends.

I don't know. I hope an opportunity shows up soon. I'm so tired of trying to kick back and watch tv in a car. I want to watch on my tv, play games at the end of the day, sleep in a bed, have fun. Be worthwhile.

I keep missing events because I'm too tired after work. I hate work.

I'm tired of taking pills to feel better. There's an ever present anxiety about the supply of them. My spending is out of control. About half of all my money goes to fast food and I'm going to make less money now. I hope unemployment works. I hope a lot but mostly I don't hope. Mostly I want to stop, and I don't know what that means. I just don't want to be in this in this here now.

I'm angry at her for pulling me from that house. I made the choice. I can't deny that though I'd like to. But my mom really helped pull the trigger. The irony of her pushing me out after all that. It makes me sick because it was a situation I could afford. Now I have no social group and nowhere to go. Because I chose my mother. And she chose money.