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June 11, 2016

I don't know if I can make myself seem like the protagonist of this story, though I certainly will try. But it doesn't really matter here, because there are no comments or reblogs or any of that other junk that has turned the internet into more of a cesspool than it already was.

But, first, a preamble:
I completed several months of a program in which I learned to camp, which sounds like a bigger deal than it was. The program was almost shuttered because of conflicts between the leader and the team members, though it only really seemed to hurt me, because all of the stupid fights I had with him I think resulted in me being blackballed from future positions. I'm still not sure how true that is and how much is my discomfort with pursuing those positions.

I became pretty intimate with someone I met through the company, and now that's something, for what it's worth.

While I was working, my mother called to tell me that they'd have to rent out my room blah blah blah, I argued with this, I presented other options, she put off the discussion until I got home. The day after the program ended, she told me I would have to leave before the end of June. I have been on a constant freak-out since then.
I was under the assumption that another plan could be arranged, but the amount of pushback I have received to this is colossal. I proposed renting out the room adjacent to mine, which is bigger, but does not have its own entrance. Additionally, doors would need to be installed. However, this would allow me the opportunity to breathe after a job that took up 100+ hours every week, to find work, to find a real home, to pack, to move. And to her benefit, to create a habitable space in the living room so could rent it out, and consequently, make order out of the chaos of the merchandise she sells online.

I sorely regret leaving the prior place I lived because it was saving me from this. I never expected this, though. This is worse than the crazy violent fights between my roommates and the noise and the nonsense. I wish I never fell for my mom's nonsense. I wish I never came home. It isn't home.

The worst incident was when my mom told me I have no tenant rights and she can remove me anytime, and she tried closing the door on me, and I stopped it and it hurt her wrist. She told me I broke it, and then used it like normal after that. I'm not sure where her lies end and the monster begins.

So my brother, who I don't like calling my brother anymore, has been pushing this whole agenda, despite what my mother says, at least that is how it plainly looks to me.

He sees me as a drain on my mother and father. He writes emails to all of us, telling me as much, all caps, swearing at me, telling me I don't do enough.
It drives me crazy. I am told, have been told, for the past weeks, that he will be coming here in the coming week, and I'm scared of him. He's been imprisoned for beating people up, and I don't know what else. He says the worst things about me, even worse than what I think about myself, because for all my self-loathing, I see when I make steps that are good, or I see that the belittling thoughts I make about myself are useless thoughts, and serve only to make me stagnate in fear. He has all those thoughts about me, and he believes them completely, and he tells me, constantly.
After being more or less on my own for the past months, I realized how damaging his behavior is to me. How damaging my mother's behavior is to me. How damaging my father's behavior is to me.
They all have different goals, though my mother seems more in line with my brother, but they all want me to do what they want me to do. After being away from them, I see how rotten it is, that I am an independent person, but my lifelong dealings with these people who don't see me as such has hurt my self-esteem and just about everything else.

The emails from him drive me crazy for more than the aforementioned reasons. It's that the way he does things doesn't work. Or it does scare me that it does work, because for it to work he will have to physically remove me from here, I am scared of that.
But let's say he doesn't do some awful crazy shit like that, and I really hope he does not. I don't know. How about acknowledging the good I have done, regardless of whether he thinks it's enough?
I don't expect praise for doing common things that people do every day, but to put up with criticism that destroys my self-esteem and progress, it's pointless and since he puts his energy into insulting me, he would be better served by lifting me up, by acknowledging positive steps. Being treated like my accomplishments don't matter but that my mistakes do, just plummets me into chaos. There was a set of stairs, but now I can't find them anymore, and the world is black, and everything is distant. His actions are pure destruction. It has created a panic attack that has gone on nonstop. I have been avoiding running, dancing, going outside, cleaning, doing anything. Because I'm so anxious about being removed from here, about him hurting me, about one more email from him tearing me apart.
I can't stand it.