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November 03, 2015

They finished most of the installation in my room of the new doors I didn't know they would tear everything apart to such an extent. Putting clothes that can't touch things terrifyingly close to those things. Putting dirty clothes on my bed. Moving my guitar even though I thought it was secured against the wall

I thought it was safe I didn't expect everything to be so drastically affected

I think in a few years then it won't matter that much bacteria fades at least in theory I don't really know anything about contamination it just rules my life it just determines everything.

I feel like I need to clean everything. And I want to scream I wonder if I should cut myself so that I won't kill myself I really think I should end my life before it can be ended by stress levels or some idiot driver

I drove too fast over th crest of a hill because I'm trying to prepare myself to just end it all to free myself of this isolation and pain

My Small Internet circle has disintegrated

I would go running but all my stuff is obscured probably filthy with rape and childhood trauma all the childhood trauma that lives in that house potentially touching the things I have kept safe for so long I can't keep anything safe my mother doesn't listen to me she's too fucked up herself she's too eager to blame me for blaming her. I don't know what to do besides just keep preparing myself for the moment when I let one of my impulses end my worthless life.

I can't fantasize about anything. I can't look forward to tomorrow. Everything has been taken from me

Everything was taken in my childhood and my mother just thinks I want to blame her for everything

But she never listens she nevr listens to how much I need her to just be okay with the pain that I'm in

I don't know what to do about all the contamination n my room it's all so chaotic I don't know what is contaminated and what isn't

I've destroyed things before

I treasure the things that have not touched my mother or the things she's touched

But I don't know what's touched what

All my treasures

That kept me safe in their chastity

I go. To a therapist because he's the only one who can make time for my problems

Ill try not to die but

I don't know why I shouldn't

Everything feels unsafe

I feel so unsafe