I thought it was safe I didn't expect everything to be so drastically affected

I think in a few years then it won't matter that much bacteria fades at least in theory I don't really know anything about contamination it just rules my life it just determines everything.

I feel like I need to clean everything. And I want to scream I wonder if I should cut myself so that I won't kill myself I really think I should end my life before it can be ended by stress levels or some idiot driver

I drove too fast over th crest of a hill because I'm trying to prepare myself to just end it all to free myself of this isolation and pain

My Small Internet circle has disintegrated

I would go running but all my stuff is obscured probably filthy with rape and childhood trauma all the childhood trauma that lives in that house potentially touching the things I have kept safe for so long I can't keep anything safe my mother doesn't listen to me she's too fucked up herself she's too eager to blame me for blaming her. I don't know what to do besides just keep preparing myself for the moment when I let one of my impulses end my worthless life.

I can't fantasize about anything. I can't look forward to tomorrow. Everything has been taken from me

Everything was taken in my childhood and my mother just thinks I want to blame her for everything

But she never listens she nevr listens to how much I need her to just be okay with the pain that I'm in

I don't know what to do about all the contamination n my room it's all so chaotic I don't know what is contaminated and what isn't

I've destroyed things before

I treasure the things that have not touched my mother or the things she's touched

But I don't know what's touched what

All my treasures

That kept me safe in their chastity

I go. To a therapist because he's the only one who can make time for my problems

Ill try not to die but

I don't know why I shouldn't

Everything feels unsafe

I feel so unsafe