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November 01, 2015

My mother needs to learn when to stop talking. 
A loop of going in and out of the house each time I realize I forget something.
It's been the same as usual day of looking at pictures of pretty women online
It's been the same as usual day of being too ugly to even feel good about looking at them. It's all just an affirmation of my repulsiveness. 
She asked me a loaded question about where I put a big cooking pan that was in the sink, so id have to admit to not cleaning it. Her thing lately is getting mad when I take things out of the sink. Which I often do because I need room to fill my water. God this is boring
I said I can't wash things like that its too hard I have to not touch things. She starts lecturing with the usual WELL You have to figure it out
That was the moment where she should have shut the fuck up.
If no one can be bothered to coddle me during these OCD crises, these loops of walking in and out of the house barefoot because I keep forgetting things and that leads to me being barefoot, washing my hands over and over, doing things that are nonsensical. If you can't be there for that, to help, then just stop fucking talking. Stop shoving your way into my life during those times. Just let me suffer alone. Lt me be punished by myself alone. Stop asking things of me. Leave me alone I'm in so much pain I can't stand it just leave me alone during these times of desperately trying to leave the house stop requesting fucking favors. Leave me alone
Then I see my dad next to my car 
I have to hose off my car now. I have to o so without touching the hose. He laughs because I don't have shoes on.
I do fuvkijgmsickv of typing on iPad it's awful for dairy it's hurting my back just trying to devoting my car
My point is I have no value and I govtovantherapistmfornthenprovilegr of talking and not being cut off and ts all sick