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October 28, 2015

I was looking at the last calls from her, about to touch her name, thinking it would bring up a list of the calls. It occurred to me that would probably just call her. Then I held the phone, hoping I would accidentally touch it, accidentally dialing her. Then I thought I would like to know what happens if I touch the name, and then it accidentally called her, and I closed the call, hoping I would accidentally keep it going, but it was over before it could ring, and now any movement on the screen I hope is from her, calling back, but there was probably no notification on her phone. My call never happened. I'm invisible to her now, a small memory getting smaller in her rear view, and she's not looking that way. I wish she'd call on purpose. I can't call. I can't pretend to call accidentally. That behavior is obsessive, immature, alarming, stupid, delusional. That's exactly what I want though, to do the things, demand the attention, do things for attention.
Make her be into me.
But what a childish notion that is.
What dangerous behavior for an adult.