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October 04, 2015

ok. continuing my last entry
one reason i was willing to run away to big mommas house was that there was a light at the end of the tunnel, there was faith, in the possibilities that this class would open up to me, but it's just turned out to be a scam.
i'm so distracted in my classes now. because there is no incentive anymore. i don't have any faith or hope. i'm so disappointed. it's so hard to live in this area, it's so unaffordable. and moving back in with my mom doesnt just mean what it means for other people. it means being delayed every time a shoelace touches the floor. and now my pillow is in quarantine because it touched a surface that hadnt been cleaned. i'll have to spray it with alcohol if i don't want to wash it over again, but inhaling rubbing alcohol right now sounds so painful.

i got an iPhone yesterday.
it's my first smartphone but some things are making me doubt m ycommittment to apple. now. mainly bugs and questionable ui issues.
my dad bought it. we tried to do the iphone upgradeproram but he just humiliated me at the apple store. made me look stupid. he looked so old there.
but i'll talk about what i like
its design is like an evolution of the iPod i got in 2012. which makes sense since they probably had more freedom with the design of that. but it's better. the iPhone has this feel to it that just makes it so pleasurable to pick up and use. its got a heft and weight to it that gives it a sense of stability. its finish is so pleasant to the touch.
i can listen to music anywhere now. i'm using an unlimited data plan, because the moron i.t. guy at the school won't let students use the network. but i could listen to music even without the plan. and the reception at my trail is even better than the reception in my bedroom. so i can listen to so much music while running.
the camera is much better. more profound darks and brights.
i trakced my run. and not just the location + time which is how i did it with my iPod. but i track everything. the calories burned. the distance. and the route. i find this very exciting because i love running and i love knowing where ive been. it gives me incentive to run, more than there is already. i think it will be the push i need when i feel less motivated because seeing the distance and all that data, and being able to include a photo with it, is a reward.
when i go running normally, i remind myself that a gust of wind or a panoramic landscape or being able to breathe in is the reward for going that distance. and now the iPhone can act as a more tangible, more easily referenced reward system.

there are girls i want to write about.
after i saw the man who attacked me, i hung out with this girl and her friend who might be her ex bf but cant really tell.
and ive always been itnimidated by her becasue she is such a babe.
we ended up walking her dog and watching the blood moon.
swinging on swingsets
it was my first night in a long time. one of those nights i wasnt sure id see again
not a club night.
just being with people. a little bit of magic. simple things. being in the city. being in the city with people who belong in the city. people who bring out a little bit of what has mostly evaporated.
i hugged the boy friend before leaving, and said i wanted an extra long hug from the gal. to be funny. and also to be creepy.
she gave a contented hum as we hugged.
it was a good feeling.
its enough to make me feel like i'm not done yet

i'll write about my infatuation next. but another time. i like keeping my fantasies treasured and suspended in cages