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August 20, 2015

i found my car keys hanging from a hamper filled with everything else in my life.

back living with mom.
roommate sent me all these psychotic messages at a five am. i wanted to leave, desperately. it was a desperate impulsive decision but the impulse never left me, and i feel like it was the biggest mistake of my life.
i moved all my things so quickly, i never gave myself a chance not to hurt myself. i'm in constant pain now. from all the activity.

staying with her would have been a terrible decision
in this world, you're punished for not liking yourself enough.
you're punished for not joining society, even if you weren't allowed to.
if you want good things, if you want even acceptable things, if you want even the choice of your living conditions, you have to be happy, you have to be motivated, you have to like yourself, you have to be a healthy functioning limb of society.
if you're not healthy, if you're broken, if you're me, you get here
in a room in your mom's house, a house you're frightened of, a house that is contaminated in your mind, a house in which you are always on edge, because you had to run away from a house in which there was violent fighting, in which you were accused of being loud when they slammed doors and screamed at each other outside your bedroom.

that's the thing about being poor. mentally ill.
i dont know where i was going with that.
with anything
i don't know where i'm going.
my room had order there.
but now my room's as messy as i am

i'm just a clutter amidst the mess.
the ps3 crashed into the ps4, crashd into the laptop stand
all these nice things, conspiring against me. because i needed to plug my shitty damaged ipod into the tv because it instantly drains if its not charging
i went to apple multiple times about it but they said it was fine. fine enough to get to the end of the warranty

apple products aren't for people who don't have a lot of money. if you have to save up for it, an apple product is not for you because you will eventually be priced out of their society. eventually they'll insist you upgrade lest your device lose features. and if you upgrade, the battery will drain faster, the device will slow down, it will become unusable, your life will be obsolete
so while i tried to make this unusable device usable, i bumped into the ps3 and the cataclysm happened.
a part of my ps4 chipped off. i tried so hard to take good care of it. it's a gift because the machine is something i wanted so much but wouldnt have been reasonable for me to buy. and a part chipped off of it. because i'm in a small space, surrounded, not surrounded, constantly touched, constantly prodded by the junk of my life. i dont have a sheet on my bed because it touched the inside of the house, and for some reason that's reeason enough to bristle against the cheap fabric of the mattress.

i feel that i have run out of time, i do not know why i am alive. i am obsolete. i lose friends. i am disregarded. i leave a place of order amidst chaos

i thought joining this class would keep my mind of all these things . so i wouldnt feel worthless for moving back into my bedroom, but i just think all day about going back to htis cluttereed place. last night i stepped on the jagged part of a music stand after playing ames to relax. ididnt want to take the ps4 out. fet uneasy about having it out in this mess. but i did. and then it got damaged. i feel punished.

i feel like i ran out of time and i'm on the game over screen now. i'm just in this void of nwoehre to go.
i thought this government subsidized class could help. but by the rate of it i look like im going back to the world of retail when it's all over
the class is farming people for tech support, for website testing, things you barely need any experience for. and i realized yesterday and today that my success depends solely on my ability to get the information because my teacher doesn't know anything about the subject matter. i realized the role of a teacher. to lead, to guide, to help the student accelerate when the work proves subpar. but im not getitng that. i'm so fucking disappointed. i'm so fucking disappointed. if i could pull up 6000 dollars i could go to a real place that would function as an actual bootcamp, not this place that apparently only wastes people's time, poor people's time, people who need help, people who need guidance
and its subsidized. it's so wrong. it's so fucking wrong. the casualties of people's race to have more money than each other.

none of them will ever read this, but if they do, i hope they have enough humanity left in them to hate themselves for making suicide seem like the only option left. for toxifying this world, for making it disgusting and ugly and brutal and everyone else is just wallpaper.
wallpaper layers caked onto each other, held together by the gore of people disembowled by this system
i leave too early to go running through the hills anymore
i went from living in a hellish place where i could at least touch things, to being cramped in a hellishly small room, unable to touch the trees and plants and sunlight. for the privilege of sitting in a room for 7 hours, doing work on a free website. no help whatsoever. i could potentially grow a lot in a class like this. but it's like everything just turns out to be special ed all over again. it all seems so slimy. i'm so alone