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August 09, 2015

Closed my eyes, and fell asleep.
I woke up to three things. Some podcast I was listening to talking about moments that define you in life which I used to criticize my own actions, someone talking about a hot person who I instantly compared myself to, and I don't know. Something else.

It's never stopped being hard for me. I feel like this diary could act as an archive of fear, failed moments, stifled dreams, suppressed thoughts and actions.

I've looked at some meds. I started one but didn't follow through. i'm embarrassed to follow up.
So if I had the motivation to do anything, it seems like there are meds for that. But I feel like as long as I let myself be judged by blah blah blah other people, then, my successes will feel like failures no matter what. But my timeline is not the same.
I woke up to these thoughts of inadequacy and it just made me feel so hopeless. Is there a pill to end narcissism? Is there a way to turn off every single thing being turned inward on me and being used to bash me? How can I enjoy anything? How can I enjoy learning guitar if each strum is a reminder of my failure to create better things, if it's a comparison to another person that someone chose over me, if everything is just used to hurt me.

Maybe there's an evil third party in me. Malicious, malevolent. hOW do I stop thinking about myself? It's like asking me to choose a different vocabulary? I need to see a therapist again.

My father and I went to a beach in the city and the mist and the buildings were watercolors