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July 20, 2015

I feel like the walking dead.

I feel like a weird hobbled together mess of a human being with no right to walk the streets the real people walk.

Another person walks out of my life, allegedly. I don't know. I called my friend, the only one I'd feel comfortable expressing how obsessive and insecure I am, she got fed up with me, hung up on me, I should hang myself.

I should choke the life out of my body because the life was choked out of me a long time ago.

People are just electrical plugs in my life. I am an electrical socket. No the other way around.
They can be pulled out of me, they can remove any meaning from my life.
just by talking to me less.
just by hanging up on me.
I'm a bastard.

my mom tells me to stop saying the things i say, they're so negative, she yells at me to stop it, when i finally unleash a flurry of all the shit thats been churning inside me so long.
I'm so fucking alone.

i think about killing myself all the time. i'm thinking about it so much today. i think today would be the best time for me to die because it would show the one girl thats what happens to people when you stop being friends, you kill them. and then being hung up on i think it's the best response to being hung up on like i'm just a drain and i'm just a problem and i'm in the way and you give up on me and now i'll give up on me too.

leaving myself in a burning boat
waving goodbye
this is a wasteland world, world of wastelands, but multiple wastelands are just a wasteland. my mind reaches out to a world of stripmalls. there is nothing worthwhile here.
like she said on the phone, i'm too old for that girl.
i'm too old and there's no life left in me
i'm a predator or i'm a parental figure
but i'm none of those things i'm just a little girl
hiding behind the sun
dying beneath the sun

i don't kill myself
not quickly.

i walk to burgerking think about suicide, buying chicken fries
everything feels like it's ending without any of the meaning
the sun sets the sun rises
everything has ended for me

i fear death
i pay for death
i give up what meager amounts of money i have
i buy it in fast food form
i pay to die
in the slowest
most draining