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October 12, 2013

Two tickets, one parking one moving violation, and I think the university wants money from me but the language they use is so goddamned confusing and shrouded in layers of bull shit I don't know what they want but I somehow spent 300 dollars already this month and my father wants the remainder of my money, and then I'm supposed to survive on, well, nothing. Because I won't have anything after I give him that money.
I showered and was going to buy a sponge, or go out to the beach originally but I need a sponge but I'm just sitting here in my towel, unable to think straight.
I feel like the world is pushing me off to make room for meaningful people. I feel like the world is telling me to go away, that I'm not wanted, that I don't belong, that I can't afford to do basic things like take care of myself, so what the hell is my point, what is the point of me being here. I feel resigned to being shoved off the planet, to make way for the people who aren't like me. I write letters to a girl in Australia who never has much to say in response and so she opts to ignore the ones that delve into these kinds of things and responds to a throwaway line I make about video games. I'm wasting my letters on her.

I'm sitting in a towel. Impotent and deflated, Slumped in my chair, unsure of what I can do except hold onto the money my dad wants, thereby causing him stress, and then my mother just is on painkillers or asleep or on her computer playing chintzy games or selling chintzy things.

I don't know. I wrote some things to my friend last night while I was out. And it says it all better than I can.
I'm scared to talk to my dad because I just need the money he wants. I could probably cut deeply enough to die. I don't know how to die. I don't want to die. I don't know how to live this life, though. All I want is a release from this life.

My friend just smacked me in the back to declare dibs on a female I have zero interest in
She's hopping around like a moron
And she has classes

I drank too much and I hate the world

Kind of lame. But some female attention would probably turn this from a lame night into a good night
I feel ugly and fat and in need of external validation
Feel extremely RA
I h8 how many of my friend's stupid issues are swimming around my head tonight
I can't see things with a blank slate
We uses to love ourselves
We used to love one another
A girl I've watched get banged in a movie is dancing in front of me
Life is a helluva drug
My life better have a story.

I think I feel more and more lost
People think they have the answers. But they don't.
I think it matters if someone like that one girl looks at me
But it doesn't matter because who I am is who I am
But I don't know who I am
So I rely on looks to know
And I trust what people tell me because I don't know who I am
I'm judging people hardcore because I'm unhappy about myself
But worse than that I'm unsure of myself. I feel like negative space moving through life. I'm just transparent and I slightly distort the world when you look at me.
Haze off a pavement on a sweltering day
During moments like this I wonder why I have any survival instinct whatsoever.
Attractive girl attention would fix this for tonight
I need to be seen through eyes beside my own
Sometimes dancing is an escape and sometimes the music they play is so stupid that it just further isolates me
But a sad sounding song is on finally

I'm back home. In beginning to feel like each time I return here it's a rerun of the last time