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September 02, 2013

I woke up around 6:30 am thinking about the times I've been talking to someone in a club and someone's come around and just was really rude about interrupting. Basically c-blocking me even though I didn't even have c engaged. Once was this black dude who dresses like a pirate and just exudes an aura of sleaziness and ego, and another time was the friend of a girl who clearly wanted to talk to me.

What bothers me about these times is that my fear of initiating a confrontation of making things uncomfortable, kept me from either calling those people out or just continuing to talk to their friend like they don't matter, or a third option would be to initiate conversation with the interrupters to highlight how ridiculous they were. But I don't know how I'll handle if that sort of thing happens again. I just feel cowardly and disgusting.

One time I was with a group of people in a car and they said they saw someone getting put in a car trunk. I could have done something then, told someone with a badge, and I didn't do anything.

I hate cowardice. It has made me accessory to awful things. but I think I am a coward.

My mom talked to me and I could barely say anything. Wrapped up too tightly in my protective cocoon, my synthetic womb. I mourned my relationship with her.

Tried playing some Dead Space, but not really in the mood for horror or gore. But it just happens to be the story I'm in the middle of. Tried playing some Borderlands 2 after dying a depressing death to a bunch of spindly insects, but BL2 bored me.

This girl I have been writing to in Australia started playing Deus Ex: Human Revolution. I kept asking her about it when she first mentioned playing it, but she kept neglecting to respond. I sent her some references she should look into if she was going to play HR without playing the first Deus Ex. Since she said she doesn't like jumping into a series in the middle. And so I asked her again if she consulted my list, and she said it didn't come into her head. And I told her I'd stab her if I could. And I said how lame Pritchard was since she liked him. And then she emailed back asking about Pritchard. And I just ignored it because it actually kind of hurts my feeling that she didn't consult my list.

I will just keep thinking of Friday night's kiss and how nice it was. And all the snuggling. Sometimes I feel very lonely and intimacy seems miles away, even if it's only three days.