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June 24, 2013

My dog died last month. Or something. I forgot I wrote about it, but I did. I was caring for a creature, but I gave it to the Humane Society, and I'm scared to check up on it. And sometimes I think about how I gave it up and I cry because I don't know how to do anything else.

Dumped by the goth three days after dog's death, and then the situation kept dragging on. Saw her again recently for the first time. Banged. More bullshit. She left her email logged into my machine and I can't help but go through it, discovering she was offering sexual services for creepy people in the area. Saw that she offered some services while we were seeing each other. But things were up in the air. Nothing was certain. But I feel creeped out and deceived. She used my computer to write those emails. And I dont know why she never mentioned it. I don't know if she ever went through with any of them. So maybe they don't bear any mentioning. Or maybe it didn't occur to her that I'd consider her spanking a stranger as similar to hooking up. Either way, when she mentioned today that she managed to get to a place 36 minutes outside the city, I immediately asked how she managed. Suspicious. Sideways glance. Unsure.

Unsure how to deal with any of it. Unsure how to deal with seeing the husky dead. Unsure how to deal with the storm inside me brought on by this girl and her problems. Unsure how to cope with giving away a raccoon.
My husky, my friend.
My creature, my baby.
There's no easy way, except to just feel pain. I feel very alone. I put all my faith in these girls. It's hard to face the possibility of it being misplaced. Hard to turn away from ambiguity when I know I should just drop it.

I am housesitting. I see that I am not so lazy. That the house I normally live in requires so much more work than should be expected of anyone trying to accomplish menial tasks. I am disabled, I am learning.