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June 02, 2013

The back of my mom's SUV was white with a layer of dog's hair. Soon as the new dog got in the back she started scooping up clumps of our dead dog's fur and unceremoniously throwing it out into a San Jose parking lot. I'm tired of pain.
Yesterday the new girl. Girl covered in tattoos who I was trying to make an "open" thing work with decided she had enough of the stress caused by our relationship and she walked. I talked about it so much, to myself, that it seemed appropriate to turn my mic on so I wasn't just alone.
As I approached home I mentioned the dog, and when I mentioned the dog, I cried so much that I didn't even sound like myself anymore. A life. A creature who can see me. Who reacts to me. Whose heart beats. Gone. And a place where I put my love. Is gone.
Today I am stressing about the girls new life. Will she fuck that person who I am so judgmental of whose penis I feel would bring down her value because he is such a toxic person capable even of bringing down people he doesn't fuck. Or maybe she'll fuck her ex again. Or maybe someone else. But it won't be me. I'm still holding out hope, though. But I should probably hope she'll stay away since she demands so so much of me.
But we were going to keep playing Deus Ex. I was teaching her not to suck at games. I was teaching her to drive. I liked to feel like I was helping her out. All that's left right now is the pain of our relationship. I liked it more when we were together.