February 11, 2013
19:30
Spent all weekend with friends because I had no car and couldn't get home. Last night I went over to someone's house who I only ever see at clubs. I never ever talked to her in person before coming over, but we started talkiing online because I told her that it always makes me feel good when she shows up. I think she took that as a pickup line but it wasn't but anyway we ended up in her bed making out. We didn't have sex because it seems like it's nearly impossible for me to have sex the first time. In general lately it's been harder to get excited.
I'm not exactly attracted to her physically, so I don't see it going beyond a friendship. I should probably only hook up with girls I'm very attracted to, but she's nice and she's fun to talk to. I spent a while with a pretty girl, at least one who's pretty by sleazy dude college standards, but it's such a relief just to be with girls who are nice, who don't treat me poorly, who don't pick apart every move I make and tell me why it's wrong. Now my challenge is to stay nice. It was easy to be the nice person in the relationship with the blonde because she always had me on blast. Now I have to make sure I stay nice when I'm involved with people I may not have a deeper interest in, who I might want to maintain boundaries with. And it's important for me to realize I always have choices, that no one can force me into a relationship.
But whatever, it's nice to share a bed with someone and snuggle up. I think I was deprived of physical affection for a long time and I had a lot of mind games being played on me. There's something simple and nice about these sorts of things that I'm experiencing now. My friend dropped me off at home before I went to the club girl's house, and I kissed her on her cheek goodnight and before that we were snuggling up and watching TV, my hand tucked into the tears in her jeans.
I feel like being away from the blonde has allowed me to give people more affection than I could before. Some of it would be inappropriate if I were in a relationship, but in other ways she just made me shut down emotionally. She made me afraid. I want another pretty girl because my self esteem is tied to my relationships and because I was insanely attracted to her, but it's kind of nice to have these friendships that are affectionate and cuddly and sometimes exciting.
I also went on two job interviews to the same place, so it's good that I got past the first one. I shouldn't let it bring me down if I don't get the position because obviously I'm doing enough right, there's not everything totally wrong with me if they call me back a second time. I hope I get the job, though. I'm ready to leave home. I think it will make me a nicer person.
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