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January 27, 2013

Dear Dairy,
The blonde girl I ended things with in December posted some very hurtful things about me on her Tumblr. She has been getting spurred on by a former friend (we'll call him faggot), who has it in for me because he thinks I wronged him when I was uncomfortable about him talking to her so much after she and I separated, and he is especially unhappy since his ex then went for me. I don't think she needs defense, but in her defense and my admonishment, I did some things that I shouldn't have done, like I figured out her passwords after she rattled them off to me quickly, thinking I wouldn't remember, and I shared some personal images with faggot's exgirl because I'm an exhibitionist and an idiot. I don't usually do things like that and won't do it again, especially since it bit me in the ass so much. And I don't like feeling that I am even partially in the wrong. I don't want to walk away from this as the bad guy.

The blonde posted:
Don�t date people that are biopolar. Don�t date people that are childish. Don�t date people that are stubborn. Don�t date people that yell. Don�t date people with OCD. Don�t date people with girlfriends. Don�t date people that lie. Don�t date people that cheat. Don�t date people that fight. Don�t date people that are hung up on someone else. Don�t date people with incompatible sex. Don�t date people that are your friends. Don�t date people that scare you. Don�t date people that use you. Don�t date people that need you.

Some of those things aren't about me, but I think a lot of them are, and the thing about OCD is especially hurtful because I let her in to my room with the understanding that she respected the anxieties OCD caused me. I let her in very close. And I appreciated her for being someone I felt I could trust enough to open that figurative and literal door.
So maybe it is hurtful to dwell on this and do this, but I'm going to rewrite that, and fill in the blank with things that were good about me.

Don�t date people who make an effort to put aside their own issues to take care of yours. Don�t date people who take you to pumpkin patches. Don�t date people who buy you things even though you have more consistent income via your parents. Don�t date people that yell at you after you hit them. Don�t date people who trust you with the knowledge of whatever disorders they do have. Don�t date people who listen to whatever weird sexual kinks you have without judgment. Don�t date people who try to be considerate of your ridiculous sleeping style that entails taking up the whole bed. Don�t date people who bring you flowers. Don�t date people who fill your locker with sparkly butterflies on your birthday and follows it up with stuffed elephants they sought out in the rain. Don�t date people who tell you you're never anything less than gorgeous. Don�t date people who take you seriously. Don�t date people who give you massages. Don�t date people who carry you across wet grass. Don�t date people who try to exchange thoughts in an argument instead of insulting you. Don�t date people that tell you they love you.

And in fairness to myself I think I should write a list of reasons I shouldn't have done anything beyond fucking her.
Don�t date people who are cruel. Don�t date people who are childish. Don�t date people who are stubborn. Don�t date people who scream instead of talk. Don�t date people who don't have your back. Don�t date people who won't invite you to parties they go to. Don�t date people who have sex with other people and act like you should not be afforded the same luxury. Don�t date people who download feminism and believe it as if it's religion. Don�t date people who comment on your weight. Don�t date people who are hung up on some vague someone else, the possibility of dating someone else they don't know yet. Don�t date people who won't have sex regularly with you. Don�t date people who relate to Taylor Swift. Don�t date people who you are scared of asking to do anything because you feel that they will reject you. Don�t date people that command you to leave whenever they start to lose an argument. Don�t date people that demand a greater commitment than they are willing to give you. Don't date people who make hurtful comments about your appearance. Don't date people who tell you how much they hate hanging out with you because you freak out over everything after you tell them that their comments are hurtful. Don't date people who tell you to fuck off if you try to hold their hand or put your arm around them. Don't date people who try to keep your relationship secret. Don't date people who pull away when you try to kiss them. Don't date people who try to control who you flirt with while flirting themselves. Don't date people who threaten to leave you. Don't date people who get angry at you for favoriting pictures of beautiful women while they still talk to men on OkCupid. Don't talk to people who stay single on OkCupid. Don't date people who discount your struggles and tell you they are imaginary. Don't date people who hit you. Don't date people who guilt you about your sexual proclivities while justifying theirs. Don't date people who play games, e.g. telling you to sleep on the floor, but when you refuse, she sleeps on the floor, and then eventually gets back into bed and tells you she can't believe you'd let her sleep on the floor, and then punches you in the back. Don't date people who are needy and then tell you not to be so needy, e.g. when you repeatedly ask her if she's coming to a party with a girl you had a thing with, figuring she might not like that and would want to be there, she gets on your case of needing her to come with you everywhere. Don't date people who lie about knowing where your iPod is so they can log into your Facebook. Don't date people who accuse you of cheating or lying (unless you are doing those things in which case they're justified and you need to stop being an asshole). Don't date people who ignore you during a dispute. Don't date people who demand apologies without returning them. Don't date people who call you a psycho when you ask why they don't care that your dog could be dying. Don't date people who want to dump you and keep you around while they fuck other people. Don't date people who refuse to accept your own eccentricities while expecting you to embrace theirs; I am not normal, I am crazy, whatever, so was she. Don't date control freaks who demand freedom. Don't date people who make a point of emphasizing how unimportant you are, e.g. telling you that they view you as a sort of slave or telling you that they never talk about me to their friends. Don't date people who use past fights as leverage, e.g. hitting you then going under the car to roll up in a ball and cry after you yell at her for hitting you, then using that incident to say how you threw her into a panic attack. Don't date people who refuse to accept responsibility, e.g. refusing to admit to hitting you. Don't date people who drop in little snide remarks referencing past sexual partners. Don't date fucking horrible bitches.

It sucks because she was at the top of the list as far as attractive women I've been with, but I don't know. I think I just need to stop feeling so fucking ugly. Yeah, I'm overweight, but it seems like it doesn't really interfere too much with my social standing. Getting into shape would only expand my range of people who are attracted to me because there's a good amount of those already. Anytime I go to a club, women tend to be pretty receptive to me and talk to me on a semi-regular basis which I don't think is a regular thing for most people. At midnight on New Year's Day, a hell of fine girl yanked me away from the stage I was leaning against and made out with me all night and her friends were encouraging me, meaning they weren't seeing me as some sleeze taking advantage of a drunk situation. And I kissed her confidently, grabbing her neck and just owned it I owned it! But I'm still shy. It's still hard for me to have a conversation with a stranger. I guess one reason is that I have shame about my life. I'm still living at home, which if you look at the timeline of this dairy, and see how articulate I was when it first started, you can estimate that I'm way too old to be living here, to still be feeling like my life is out of my hands. Whether it's a sexual liaison I'm interested in or just the ability to talk about life without feeling embarrassment, this lack of control is a big issue. Even if I feel attractive enough to talk to a lady, then where do I go from there, how do I keep them from finding out I feel totally dependent on my mom. I'd almost prefer just to show up and disappear, anonymously.