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October 02, 2012

Everything I say to you is turned back around. I have nowhere else to go but here.

It's ironic. You decided to break up with me because, among other reasons, I blab about our problems to everyone, but right now I feel like there is absolutely no one for me to talk to. There is one person I want to talk to, who isn't the greatest with advice. But he wouldn't judge me if he heard me crying right now. And he knows where I am right now. But he's on the East coast. I don't know if he's awake or not. I don't know where you are, or what you're doing, or who it's with. I know you restarted your OKcupid profile, with your status as single, with pictures of yourself that I took, looking into the camera that I'm holding. Giving that look to anyone who loads that page.

I never played it cool enough with you. I think I told you how I feel too much. Especially when you felt like I didn't feel anything. And I tried so hard to convince you that I care. And you perceived that as manipulation, as lies.

It seems like after you found out I entertained the notion of hooking up with others, when you were actively hooking up with others, any amount of trust and respect for me went down the drain. And since then it's been a conveyor belt of judgment. I remember the day you found out, before you found out, how affectionate you were. I wanted to save those text messages. They're probably gone now.

You think I'm always lying, but I'm not. There's nothing I can do to convince you. I wonder if you really do know how much I've liked you. but you don;t like that I like you, so you tell me I'm a liar.

I liked you so so so much. I liked you in a childlike and naive way. I almost feel that if I like you enough, you won't abandon me. That If I hold on tighter, you'll want to stay. But from what I can see that never works. And I know I've tried, to an extent. I've never called you up crying, asking you to believe me. Usually the more frustrated I get with you, the more stern I get. And I cry now. after all this buildup. After being told I'm nothing, that I'm worthless, that I'm shit, by someone I like so much. After being hit, and then after I make you cry by yelling at you, and then I feel worthless because I've made you cry. And I cry but there's no one there to hear it. I walked my dog just now, at night. And I cried.

I want you back so badly. I never told you I didn't want you. I always tried to make you feel like you are valued. And I feel like you tried everything in your power to make me feel valueless.

Again I go to this house of oppressive heat and smells, of no freedom, a prison. I am alone. I need you so much right now but you've utterly abandoned me. I might just call you to hear your voice. And then go. Without explaining. Just because I need the illusion. the temporary illusion. Of the life we shared for a short time.