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July 11, 2012

My relationship with the blonde has been dissolving all around our ears, and I hate it so much. She gets her feelings hurt so easily that she takes so much of what I say personally and shuts down. So if there's an issue, I can either drop it and internalize all my feelings, or bring it up and usually piss her off. Meanwhile, she says incredibly hurtful things to me and doesn't even see how hurtful they are, even after I say that they are.

Last night we attended yoga at Grace Cathedral and I wanted to hug her at the end and she resisted and said it was inappropriate, and I guess that hurt my feelings. Before that, before we took off, she made a comment about how it kind of sucked for her when we played Super Smash Bros. Melee with a mutual friend because he was so good, and I said it probably wasn't so bad from my perspective because I was usually in second place, which she took as very rude. I disagreed and it turned into her saying that she hates that about me, how I'll never apologize or admit to doing anything wrong. I just kind of shut down then. Not really mad. I just felt like I couldn't say much without it turning dark. And I didn't realize it until I tried functioning that I had been totally flustered by her. I locked the car door before I got in, and was generally unable to process a lot of information as I was driving. Prior to that, we fought online because she thought I was talking about how I want to fuck other women. She even said it seems like she's not enough for me, which is stupid considering she's the one who keeps me a secret, who refuses to enter anything official with me. She told me how I'm easy and will fuck anything that isn't fat with a vagina, just like one of the other guys she's fucked. And she couldn't see how cruel that was.

I was silent again in Grace Cathedral. She followed me downstairs, asked me if anything was wrong. I went to the bathroom and cried. I didn't know I would cry. I didn't understand why I was crying. I think our relationship has just been founded on me putting on an air of being carefree, when I'm not carefree. And that wall I put around myself has carried over to me being with her, and suppressing what I feel, whether it's because I think she'll be turned off by me being human�she's actually said I have too many emotions before�or because she'll get angry at me for phrasing something in a way that she takes personally.

She tried kissing me in the car, and my mouth couldn't work. Because I'd been crying, because I was hurt. And she took that to mean I was rejecting her. Yeah, rejecting the girl I've been pining after for months. And I have confessed that to her, to an extent. And it does no good. I actually think it might be making things worse. I know it makes things worse for me at least, because her anger at me, her issues with rejection and all that stuff, they just tell me that it doesn't matter how much I adore her, how beautiful I think she is because I'm always going to be a piece of shit in her eyes. Maybe I'm a piece of shit because I adore her. Maybe it has reached that point.

We did fun things. We went shopping and ate quiche. We watched a video of her performing at a concert I'd attended, and I told her how I was looking at her the whole time from the audience. We got closer and closer and I held onto her and she cuddled up to me, and then we fucked, and then she sat on her couch, on her Dell computer, and told me how she had to change how she views me because she doesn't want to get so mad as she usually does. And I probably said too much again, because she wouldn't clarify what exactly that meant, but it seemed to mean, and she didn't dispute this, that she would become more cold and distant. I asked if she'd be seeing less of me, and she said, no. And I said she'd have to if she wants that to work, and she said it worked with the other guy, the aforementioned guy that she's fucked. And that bothered me. I told her that a lot of the things she does make me feel the same way. I said it feels like she's dumped me a bunch of times. I said things that were too honest, because vulnerability to a girl like this, I think is just a tool, a way for her to pity or hate me, but not something that can be used to show her the truth, that she makes me feel badly, too, and that maybe she should stop that. All she could do was say that I should change how I view her. I explained how it's like purgatory, and she said it's better than Hell, and I said that isn't necessarily the case because if I were still in Hell, at least I'd know what I'm doing that day. I even told her, how when she's mad at me, it feels very dark inside me, and when she's not, she brings brightness to a place that is otherwise fairly dark. And me sharing all that stuff, basically flattering her with the truth because nothing else will awaken her, I'm embarrassed that I did it. I've done that before in a situation, with the goth, when I felt there was nothing left to lose. When I feel that there is nothing left to lose, it usually means we're near the end.

She wouldn't tell me anything more. She even told me she didn't want me to know how her thoughts work. She refused to explain anything. She left everything ambiguous. I told her that is one of the shittiest things she can do to a person. It is more humane to treat someone poorly than to leave them in limbo. She told me to leave her house. I grabbed a book I lent her. As I left the apartment, she said, "Don't call me shitty" and closed the door, cutting off my response.