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May 16, 2012

Dear Dairy,
It's foggier out here than it's been in a while. Everything is white and cold. I want to walk the dog. I just woke up, My sentences are cold and stiff like my legs. I'm a narcoleptic goat.
I'm back now because I am frustrated. Last time I wrote in this, I used a different browser. I am frustrated because of a girl as usual. Why are my sentences so terrible right now?

There's a girl at my school I used to know nothing about, blonde, small, beautiful. I never talked to her, and actually, talking to her made me very nervous. Any sort of minute transaction. Eventually we had a class where we sat near each other and I retrieved her pencil and handing it back to her made me exceptionally nervous.

We started talking while she was still in her relationship. She and I had a really nice rapport, making up various fictions about our lives, creating a sort of alternate reality that we would regularly reference along with things that we just found funny. We continued talking after her breakup. Eventually, due to a prompting by a friend, I called her in the midst of our text messages. She and I went to a party that night, and I felt like the vibe was purely platonic. Whatever. It's fine.

And then we started talking more and then we saw each other more, and my friend and his girlfriend and pretty much everyone else, said that she was sending me signals, that she had more than a platonic interest in me. And I was so unsure of myself, so afraid of rejection, particularly by her, that I just didn't do anything. I didn't know how.

A couple nights ago, I was at a club and texting her. I went home at 3 am and I feel like I should have seen what she was doing instead. But I went home, and she was online, and we talked until 6 am or so. And the conversation went so deeply sexual and dark and confessional. She wanted me to take control, to order her around. that I figured I should make a move as they say. I saw her yesterday and I could sense her sexuality seeping out, I'd turn around and see her looking at me with huge staring eyes. We both met up later at her apartment where I played Kingdom Hearts. She went on OKCupid and talked about how she thinks this one blue-haired girl is so hot, and ladidadida. I kind of took that as a sign that she had no interest in me. I take anything as a sign that she has no interest in me. I'm so afraid of rejection that any sign this girl sends that conflicts with the "fuck me" signals is reason for me to skulk away.

When I know, that if she sends those "fuck me" signals, it's totally reasonable for me to try and that if she rejects me after sending those signals, she's probably a manipulative psycho. Hell, she admitted during our conversation that at one point she was just trying to get me to be subservient to her, but I wouldn't budge. And now I wonder, maybe she's using her sexuality to make me submit, to embarrass me. But the physical sensations I was receiving from her when we met in person, the looks she was giving me, I think are harder to control.

There's just this stupid conflict now. I want her in various ways. I would perhaps like her romantically, but I don't think that can happen. I just want to get my hand onto her thigh and my mouth onto hers. The goth girl I had a thing with is throwing a party on Friday. I might try to get this new girl to go even though it could be weird on account of my relationship with this (young) girl becoming more transparent and probably unsettling to the people around us. I also imagine a horrible situation in which she hooks up with someone at an event I invite her to and I drive her home like a defeated parent. My self esteem is so low. Even with her most intense signs, when I feel like my entrance into her body is inevitable, I start to think of the shame I have about my own body. I go from thinking that there's totally something there, to thinking why would there be, what would she want with me, how embarrassing of me to consider otherwise.
And the pressure that's being put on me by people, to make a move. I can't really deal with it. I need to stop talking about her so much. I'm totally enamored and I discuss her with friends who think my tentativeness is ridiculous. It's ridiculous I know, but it's habitual. I want to be untrained. I want to devour her.