December 29, 2011|
My room has become a dim place of purgatory and emotional turmoil. I have been fixating lately on the friend possibly getting with that dude. Sometimes I care so much and I get sick to my stomach. Sometimes I do not care at all. I accept these qualities about myself, these mood and attitude shifts. But it is a burden that I fear I may never be freed from.
It sucks because I have been playing Castlevania: Lords of Shadow a lot. Now I associate that game with this dim place and those dark feelings. I don't like associating a fun thing with nausea.
My NY friend came for a few days, his girlfriend kind of determined too much about the trip because he's so fucking eager to please her. But on the last day, we spent some time alone together, and then when she showed up it wasn't so bad. But last night I went to another friend's house and played Apples to Apples with her and her boyfriend and an annoying feminist and her boyfriend. I've been kind of wondering about the new styles of feminism. Like, I feel dumb for not getting them, for being put off by them, figuring I must be getting pushed out of the way by time. But hanging out with this girl, and her inability to laugh at anything that was the slightest bit dark, her compulsion to express an opinion about everything, the lack of teeth in her humor, it made me think maybe being a caveperson isn't so bad.
But I had a lot of fun with my friend whenever everyone would go out for smoke breaks and we'd just run around the house like creatures. Shes so cool I probably should have tried to date her before the new guy came around, but I don't think I'm good relationship material. That's a poison attitude. I should watch that.
But I drove home, in the darkness, and I thought of my NY friend who was gone by then, and how I wished we could have had those nights, those driving late on 280 nights. I was listening to a new album I downloaded by Austra who I heard for the first time yesterday. It was 3 dollars, but then I got suckered into buying the more expensive version with more tracks. Should probably have just bought the three dollar one. Duh.
I am going to see another friend today. We're going to the rabbit trail. She has an amazing beautiful voice. She does not understand my struggles, so I won't share them with her. I don't see her this way, but maybe I should make out with her. It is good to kiss talented people.